Simply Good or Bad
Minor separations with someone a BPD felt close to will spark fear of abandonment. They will then go through what is called ‘Splitting’, naming the person as GOOD or BAD.
You can go from perfection to worthless in the blink of an eye. It’s like I am an emotional magician. You can be the picture perfect view of perfection to me, you have no flaws and the ones that I do know exist are blurry in the background (if they are red flags, I’ve painted them green). Nobody will dare say a harsh word against you in my presence because I will crucify them and they know it. I think you are pure magic.
And then you leave. Maybe you weren’t even mean when you left –though I have had times when it’s been a horrific ending (the endings repeat themselves because I return to the same person)–but in my mind, you left. And that, my dear friend, is when my epic mind began to spiral into a state of fear, feeling quite literally paralyzed within, frozen and ice-cold.
What happens when a borderline is experiencing their most inner fear play out in real life? In our mind we immediately go straight to negative views of ourself, which we already have struggled with identity disorders so being back in this mindset can be a sort of familiarity. We can act out in ways that will harm us, if it’s a relationship thats been taken away then maybe sleeping with anyone that pays us a little bit of attention sounds like a great idea OR we go the opposite where everyone is horrible and we become closed off to anyone at all. We can find comfort in being numb to everyone around us, because suddenly that one person (out of so many wonderful people) caused us pain.
What about when they come back? Usually us BPDs are great at sealing off that door forever, never to let you back in after we have experienced one ounce of pain (or simply annoyance) from you. But sometimes, they come back into your life, for whatever reason. What then? 99% of the time, they won’t be allowed back in….but that 1%?…That 1% can be someone you fought for, wanting them to stay in your life and suddenly it’s like they said “okay, sure, why not”.
Does the person that we once saw as all good then immediately all evil suddenly get retitled as all good? (you would think so since WE are the ones that wanted them back in). I never invite someone back into my life after I have been hurt or felt disrespected/annoyed by them, unless they are that 1%. So, I go into the comfortable role of pointing out why they cannot be in my life, why I can’t trust you and never want to again. But they stay, despite my pushing away. They can even prove you right and you get hurt again and again, do we allow ourselves to get right back in that cycle of letting ourselves bleed alive?
So, although I desperately want to return their label to ‘good’, I am completely unable to. No matter the enjoyment and comfort I feel that comes from being in their presence, I am unable to remain completely kind and act without fear.
Oh but come on, I really want to.
A BPD allowing someone back into their life that once made their emotional state take months to find balance again is not likely to happen and if it does then it comes with nights of no sleep, analyzing all over again, the BPD constantly having to remind themselves to take off their BPD glasses and try to allow this person trust (trust, what a loaded word).
A BPD trying to be in recovery will realize that sometimes people can be worth it. In recovery, a BPD is able to take off the ‘splitting glasses’ and have a better view of the situation at hand. BPDs are naturally deeply loving and highly emotional creatures, so when we go against what is engrained in us to do with someone that once left, it shows us there is something about that person that we want in our life.
There are so many resources available that won’t cure the BPD in these situations but that will assist in easing the anxiety and desire to run away from this person.
When a BPD allows the love they have for someone to overpower their natural desire to never speak to them again, we are able to say we are on the road to recovery.
Someone doesn’t have to be just good or bad, they can just simply be.
This article is written from a series titled “Inside the Epic Mind of a Borderline.”