Emotionally Bleeding Alive
“People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.”
Ouch, why would you say that? Wait, where are you going? Please, what did I do wrong? Stop, don’t leave me! I’ll go to therapy, I promise! ….why am I like this…why can’t I be normal…why am I the definition of too much…what do they mean by they can’t win with me, this makes complete sense, right?…These statements and questions swirl in my head from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. Everything seems to be an attack against me. How are my friends not sick of me yet, they are professionals and respected in their fields, my best friend is an aspiring Psychiatrist at UCSD…why do they stay, what keeps them here even through ‘the crazy’?
Work:…did I do enough? Should I do more? Here, I’ll work all night and early tomorrow…I’ll show you I’m worthy and that you need me.
Friends:..I want to hang out with you, you are so great..I’m so happy to know you! ..whoa, slow down why are you making plans 2-weeks in advance, you will probably suck in my eyes by then or I may of burned us to the ground already.
Intimate: …I am so intrigued by you, I want to give you what makes you happy! Wait, why did you say it like THAT? Get out of my life! Wait, but don’t go too far. I don’t want to talk to you at all …but I don’t want you gone either…Just figure it out! Stay..you’re a horrible person..come back..don’t you see how pathetic you are?…why did you leave? I hate you, you never liked me to begin with.
So, I hold it all back. I try to at least. There’s a list of people that can tell you I still show complete signs of active BPD, surprisingly-some of them are the people that I want the most in my life and that I care the most for. Since we aren’t actual computers (although I was called a Robot by a close friend the other day), there is no way to go into the deepest part of my soul and reprogram me in a few simple steps. I can’t ‘restart’ my personality to be that of someone without BPD. I’ll claim being in recovery from Heroin Addiction, I’ll claim Codependency…but am I ready to out myself as a Borderline? I can’t be reprogrammed, I can’t do a trade in of personality disorders. Worst of all, I can’t make you understand what it is like. Desperately, I want you to understand me…and this. Not so that you won’t leave me due to ‘feeling bad for me’, but because the thought of being seen and heard by someone I am so connected with is a euphoric feeling where I want to settle in for a while. Also, I don’t want you to know anything about me having BPD because when we are no longer speaking, the thought of you being out in the world with this knowledge of me is enough to literally have me feeling like I am slowly suffocating.
“Oh yeah, same”…I say transforming into a chameleon to hide my emotions because what I feel right now and what I am thinking is completely off and not reality and certainly overdramatic.
This used to be every single day of my life before I began to research and learn about BPD. Just having knowledge doesn’t change anything, it just puts the responsibility on me to not act out on BPD feelings/behaviors. I’m proud to say some of my closest friends didn’t even know I hold diagnosis, stating, “This isn’t my experience with you”, I’ve been with caring, stable, healthy individuals intimately. I stick to my boundaries with people and myself. It doesn’t always have to be a ‘catch 22’.
This article is written from a series titled “Inside the Epic Mind of a Borderline.”